What is micro-cheating and is it taking a toll on your relationship?

We’ve been together for a few years, but I found out recently that my fiancé was flirting with his female friends and the women he met during his travels,” says MS, a 26-year-old management trainee from Chandigarh. Although there wasn’t any physical infidelity, the emotional toll on MS has been immense. She says there’s now a huge trust deficit between them.

What MS experienced is an example of micro-cheating, a relationship issue that is often perceived as less severe than physical infidelity, but can be equally damaging.

“Micro-cheating undermines the foundations of transparency and security in a relationship. The breach of trust can destabilise relational bonds and disrupt healthy communication patterns. Clinically, it’s important to view micro-cheating within the context of each couple’s agreed-upon boundaries,” explains Rimpa Sarkar, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Sentier Wellness, Mumbai.

DEFINING MICRO-CHEATING

Micro-cheating is a fluid concept, varying greatly from one relationship to another. It can be defined as the phenomena where one or both partners engage in seemingly innocent behaviour which, when discovered, can feel like a betrayal.

Also read: The trouble with falling in love with your AI companion

“It’s the underlying emotional disconnect and the breach of trust that can lead to distress in a relationship,” says Shaurya Gahlawat, a psychologist, couples therapist and the founder of Therapy With Shaurya, Gurugram.

Micro-cheating may often reveal deeper issues such as unmet needs, low self-esteem, unresolved conflicts or communication breakdowns in current relationships. The key is to understand that micro-cheating is more about intention and impact than specific behaviour. With social media, instant messaging and round-the-clock communication, subtle behaviours that aren’t blatantly adulterous can still betray a partner’s trust.

RECOGNISING THE SIGNS

“I discovered that my partner was often messaging a colleague late at night. The messages weren’t explicitly romantic, but they involved inside jokes and emotional sharing that crossed a boundary for me,” says VA, a 41-year-old homemaker from Pune.

This kind of secretive communication, even in the absence of physical infidelity, can create trust issues and emotional turmoil. Other behaviours, such as prioritising emotional connections with someone outside the relationship and downplaying the importance of these interactions are common forms of micro-cheating.

While physical infidelity is more overt and traditionally considered more damaging, micro-cheating can also have a huge impact on a partner’s well-being. The ambiguous nature of this form of cheating can create confusion, making it hard to talk it out and clear the air.

Sarkar notes that micro-cheating can sometimes be a symptom of personal insecurities. She suggests couples therapy to explore and address these root causes.

CAUSE OF CONFLICTS

The extent to which micro-cheating leads to significant conflicts or even the dissolution of a relationship varies. If it festers and turns into a perpetual issue, some people might decide to take a step back. Others may choose to overlook micro-cheating, especially if they fear abandonment or are content if no sexual infidelity has occurred.

Gahlawat mentions that married couples, particularly those with children, are often more inclined to work through issues of micro-cheating rather than dissolve the relationship. For couples who are dating or in a committed relationship without the ties of marriage or children, micro-cheating can often lead to a break-up. Even for those who choose to continue the relationship, the constant worry and mistrust may exhaust individuals over a long period of time. The worry and distress can manifest as anxiety, depression, sleep disorders or hypervigilance for the affected partner.

This mental strain can impact daily functioning and overall well-being, making it crucial for couples to address and resolve these issues before they escalate into more profound psychological problems.

GENDER PERCEPTIONS

While both men and women can be deeply hurt by micro-cheating, Gahlawat notes some gender differences in how these behaviours are perceived.

When they indulge in it, men may dismiss micro-cheating as “harmless” or “just a joke”, especially when it involves flirting or casual banter with others.

“However, when men are on the receiving end, they feel equally betrayed, particularly if their emotional security in the relationship is threatened,” she says.

Women, on the other hand, may be more attuned to emotional betrayal and often perceive micro-cheating as a serious breach of trust. Emotional investment in someone outside the relationship—and this includes regular communication while neglecting others, sharing personal details and liking specific types of social media posts—can feel as harmful as physical infidelity.

“Every couple should have a conversation about what behaviours they consider acceptable and unacceptable in their relationship,” suggests Gahlawat. The tone of the conversation could focus on how the behaviour makes one feel, rather than accusing the other person of infidelity, and finding that common ground.

REBUILDING TRUST

Transparency is key; if a behaviour isn’t acceptable in front of a partner, it might be worth reconsidering that behaviour or action. Gahlawat emphasises the importance of keeping your partner informed about friendships and interactions with others, particularly those of a different sex. “Secrecy can breed suspicion,” she explains.

For those who struggle with personal insecurities that might lead to micro-cheating, working on self-awareness and self-confidence through therapy can reduce the need for external validation. If emotional distance begins to form in a relationship, addressing it early can prevent micro-cheating from becoming a more significant issue.

Also read: How to break the cycle of rumination

If micro-cheating has already occurred, rebuilding trust is crucial. The partner involved in micro-cheating must take full responsibility without minimising or justifying their behaviour. Acknowledging the emotional impact it has had on their partner is crucial for healing to begin.

Both partners need to build a safe, non-judgmental space to express their feelings, which may include hurt, confusion, anger or guilt. This dialogue should focus on understanding rather than blaming.

“Regularly checking in with each other and spending quality time together can also help prevent the desire to seek emotional fulfilment outside the relationship,” says Sarkar.

She advises couples to remember that trust cannot be restored overnight. Both partners need to practice patience and understand that healing takes consistent effort, time and compassion from both sides.

The journey from betrayal to reconciliation is challenging, but with commitment and empathy, it can transform the relationship into something more resilient and deeply connected.

Debarati Chakraborty is an independent journalist, who writes on wellness, relationships and sexuality.